Hail Lambpoonies! Please enjoy some satirical marketing from a new food truck heiling ass into your town soon. This is an older thing, so some have seen it before, but it stands up still. It is a part of that Against the Grain story I've been writing since forever. The eggheads in the lab call this “world building” I think.
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Welcome to Bud and Soil™ where true environmental and racial awareness meet to provide hardy vegetarian fare guaranteed to get you restoring your nation’s glorious past! An ubermensch may not need the approval of the degenerates they rule, but they still need our chickpea chutney! Diners will leave saying they did not see that one coming!
Here at Bud and Soil™ we believe geese are for stepping, not for eating. Der Führer - totally still alive and kicking high in Argentina - requires only a steady diet of chickpeas, wheat grass, and methamphetamine. No meat whatsoever. And he turned out great. All the more impressive for 136 years old! It's the diet and his godlike power. Whatever is good enough for Der Führer is definitely good enough for you lot of subhuman maggots.
Our grub provides the historically necessary energy to crack down on liberal arts majors and homosexuals, atheists, communists, socialists, dog walkers, anarchists, libertarians, democrats, republicans, Quakers, Albert Einstein, bartenders, Anne Frank, Viktor Frankl, Jews, Jew-Adjacents, Catholics, Muslims, TikTokers, Pineapple Pizza Eaters, Studio Ghibli AI images, indoor plumbing, intellectuals, tap dancers, minorities of all kinds, whatever the heil is going on over on Bluesky, and so many more! We solemnly promise to never run out of enemies.
No one can accuse National Socialism of not being progressive! Progressing towards a genetically pure, monochromatic, and inbred society where no one is leaderless or left to think for themselves. Because glory!
Also, don’t call us Nazis. That’s hate speech. We’re ethnic nationalists who want the State to own the means of production. For the benefit of the people. Unless they’re brown or black or Jewish or atheist or in any other way different from us. Procrustes had it right! What’s so wrong about cutting people in half to fit a bed? We already bought the bed!
It is possible you may be feeling squeamish about dining indoors amid a COVID-19 pandemic. I bet you thought it was over, didn’t you? It's never over. But worry not herrs und frauleins. Vaccination papers with required boosters will be verified at time of order. This is Form ESX-7634. Don’t forget it! We can’t issue rations without authorization. We can’t do anything without authorization. Es ist verboten. The law is absolute and you’re free to follow it or be shot in the name of freedom. The State, as God, has no mercy.
If, in the event you’re a filthy, unnatural, and unvaccinated deviant, you will be provided a complimentary jab. We have both the J&J vaccine and sterilization options. Sometimes the labels on these things get mixed up, but it should be fine. Zwei fliegen mit einer klappe! That’s German for I’m here to help! And we totally are! We've declared blitzkrieg on hunger. And modernity.
After your mandatory vaccination and/or sterilization, you’ll discover we have no menus at Bud and Soil™. The individual cannot be allowed to choose their meals, go leaderless, nor make any decisions for themselves at all. That would be utter chaos and play right into those AntiPho™ losers’ hands. We’re all about order here, those guys are just animals. Instead, our Reichschefs will choose what you’ll be enjoying in this sad period of historical and cultural degeneracy. And you will enjoy it. Or else.
A mandatory period of appreciation after your compulsory enjoyment of a dish like our Blitzkrieg Baba Ganoush is also required. Five-star Yelp reviews? Also mandatory, in addition to providing names. We have ways of making you talk. Like feeding you our fabulous Reichsorganisationslentils! They are always the talk of the town and even if they don’t make you talk, they’re certain to make you shit for a few days. Or else.
All that remains is the question of the Final Solution. By which we mean the check! We accept all manner of payment options but prefer stolen artwork. We take sculptures, paintings, drawings, gold teeth, you name it. As long as it isn’t nailed down — too hard anyway — we’ll take it all. And none of that AI stuff. A machine can’t be expected to truly understand the artistic expression necessary to exalt Der Fuhrer.
If you thought we’d be done with you after the Final Solution, you’re in for a surprise! After paying up with that Rembrandt your family has passed down for centuries, you’ll be provided with several forms to fill out. Not for any reason, we just really love paperwork. We love categorizing and filing stuff even more than we love retrofitting old shower heads, which is saying quite a lot. You’ll also be pressure-sold a Bud and Soil™ Club membership. It’s a great deal for us. Why wouldn’t you sign up?
Payment provided, forms filled out, and the stomach of your nation stuffed with properly superior dirt fruit, you’ll then either be deported from the premises or assimilated into The Party. You’ll know which just as soon as your results come back from Ancestry.com. That outfit operates in the back of our truck, so results are quick. No need to spit in a tube, we’ve got your spoons.
You’re either with us or against us in these trying times of political polarization. But in either event, we promise to make you a shameful man obsessed with unearned ethnic pride. We’ll then provide the cure by surrounding you with others just as stupid, so it won’t seem shameful at all. You’ll feel like you’re a part of something big. Bigger than yourself. A great inbred something bigger than yourself.
No need to danke us. We’re compelled to do this. By GOD and Führer. But we repeat ourselves. So, stop by Bud and Soil™ next time you’re in the park! Unlike slurping that piss they call soup at AntiPho™, it’s just the reich thing to do. And you will do the reich thing. All of Riverfront Park will do the reich thing.
Or else.