Welcome to AntiPho™
An Against the Grain Adventure. Part 7.
Hail Lambpoonies!
Yet another satirical exercise in world building follows. Seems like the local rag will run any old ad these days as long as it’s for a new food truck. Just more evidence we live in a decadent age ripe for the inevitable rise of communism. Of course, they said that in the 19th and 20th centuries, too. Anyway, next week we return to Zeno’s story.
7
Welcome to AntiPho™ where the white supremacist, hetero-normative, transphobic, and fascist liberal world view gives way to ethnically sourced, farm to table pho for the nourishment and advancement of the proletarian revolution!
We know true, historical change only occurs as the result of direct action and here at AntiPho™ we accomplish this change through noodles. Direct noodles! And violence.
Pho was born in the land of resistance, communism, Charlie, and Jane Fonda, so we appropriated a few people who looked vaguely Vietnamese in order to cook it. It is important to the owners of AntiPho™ that our ingredients are ethically sourced as well as ethnically sourcing our workers. DEI is God, after all.
And all of our employees are ethnic minorities to offset the depressing, self-flagellating, and guilty alabaster tone of the management team. Finally, whites and non-whites can work together in perfect, equal harmony! Under the stewardship of us, of course! Experts with twenty-eight thousand years of grad school between us, AntiPho™ management leads the way forward.
Also, our employees need to be like, really into communism. We mean really into it. So into it, they approach serving our customers with the same vigor the Soviets served the once-noble Russian prole. In fact, we have a mandatory three-hour waiting period before anyone is even allowed to approach our truck to order. We pay homage to and express solidarity with the majestic bread lines of the USSR and whatever was going on over there.
After your historically necessary waiting period, you'll be presented with a menu. There is only one option, the Pho King Firing Squad. And you will order it. Or else.
Your AntiPho™ experience, if you manage to get an order in, will be both magical and scientifically rigorous. Your class and race consciousness will be raised, one screeching sound bite at a time as one of our trained Marxist shame-circle specialists gets started on your racist, misogynist, and fascist ass. Use this opportunity to impress your date! Women love a man who cries when confronted by screaming strangers. It is very metro and modern.
And you will cry, cupcake. Don’t even try not to. Liberals always cry when confronted with the absolute truth of historical materialism.
After you’ve blubbered and been beaten into the only correct political opinion, your soup will arrive at some point. Who knows when, really. We do not promise your soup, or the revolution, will arrive at any particular time. We merely assert with utter, absolutely unquestioned certainty that it will. You know, like Jesus. Except we’re atheists and hate that guy’s guts, so this is our version of opiates for the masses. Utopia, baby! It's not just for Christians! Especially since they'll be the first to go. Wink, wink.
If you manage to choke down our delicious, direct assault on capital, you’ll then be treated to a free and mandatory milkshake on the house. The lactose intolerant needn’t worry, however. We got you, comrade. This creamy, iced beverage is mostly concrete and you won’t be drinking it anyway. No need to pay for your soup, either. We’ll take care of that for you while you’re enjoying your nap.
So come on down to AntiPho™ for the revolutionary experience. Don’t forget to tell your fascist, hetero-normative, cissy friends! We’ll turn them out in no time. And definitely don't forget to bring your shades! The future of Riverfront Park is so bright, it's about to go Chernobyl. Or else.
It is historically necessary, comrades.