Welcome to AntiPho™

Local and ethnically sourced pho to nourish the Revolution

Hail, comrades!

Welcome to AntiPho™ where the white supremacist, hetero-normative and fascist liberal world view gives way to ethnically sourced, farm to table pho for the nourishment and advancement of the proletarian revolution! We know true, historical change only occurs as the result of direct action and here at AntiPho™ we accomplish this change through noodles. Direct noodles!

Pho was born in the land of resistance, solidarity, communism, and Jane Fonda so we appropriated a few people who looked vaguely Vietnamese in order to cook it at this American strip mall. It is important to the workers of AntiPho™ that not only our ingredients are ethnically sourced, but also our workers.

All of our employees are ethnic minorities, to offset the depressing, honky tone of the management team. Finally, whites and non-whites can work together in harmony! AntiPho™ leads the way forward.

Also, they need to be like, really into communism. We mean really into it. So into it, they approach serving our customers with the same aplomb and vigor with which the Soviets served the once-noble Russian people. In fact, we have a mandatory three hour waiting period before anyone is even seated to pay homage to and express solidarity with the majestic bread lines of the U.S.S.R.

Your AntiPho™ experience, if you manage to get in the doors, will be magical and scientifically rigorous. Your class and race consciousness will be raised, one hollered sound byte at a time. Before you’re even presented with a menu, one of our trained Marxist shame-circle specialists will get started on your racist, misogynist, and fascist ass. Use this opportunity to impress your date! Women love a man who cries when confronted with screaming strangers. It is very metro and modern.

And you will cry, cupcake. Don’t even try not to. Liberals always cry when confronted with the absolute truth of historical materialism.

After you’ve blubbered your way into a lovely lady’s affections and been shame-beaten into the correct political opinion, a menu will be passed around. We can only afford the one having spent the bulk of our Bank of America business loan on diversity workshops and bandanas and cinder blocks. Robin DiAngelo is expensive. You’d think she’d do it for The Cause but that isn’t the case. Unless The Cause is making money, of course.

Someday, your soup will arrive. Who knows when, really. We do not promise your soup, or the revolution, will arrive at any particular time. We merely assert with utter, absolutely unquestioned certainty that it will; you know, like Jesus. Except we’re atheists and hate that guy’s pacifist guts, so this is our version of opiates for the masses.

After managing to choke down our direct slop, you’ll then be treated to a free and mandatory milkshake on the house. The lactose intolerant needn’t worry, however. This creamy iced beverage is mostly concrete and you won’t be drinking it anyway. No need to pay for your soup, either. We’ll take care of that for you while you’re enjoying your milk shake induced nap.

So come on down to AntiPho™ for the revolutionary experience and don’t forget to tell your fascist, hetero-normative cissy friends! We’ll turn them out in no time. It is a historically necessary.

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Only after having written this possibly ill-advised satire — considering Seattle’s penchant for looking the other way on Antifa related violence — did I discover a group already exists called Anti-Pho. They don’t actually appear to make pho, which is a shame. I don’t really have any idea what they do at all, honestly. But here’s a link to their Facebook page. It’s the least I could do for inadvertently ripping off their joke. Apologies, comrades! My only solace is knowing you’re funnier than I am and also have a hyphen. I determined long ago to have my hyphen surgically removed in the same manner Hillary Clinton had her Rodham removed.

Give them a peek here, whatever it is they do.

Interested in getting a hold of me? Good luck! I have a real job in addition to writing and I ignore my inbox with the same passion Marxists ignore a changing reality. Still, if you must, you can find me at some of the phishing holes below and if the gods favor you, I may write back. The best way to get my attention is to buy one of my books or subscribe on SubStack for FREE, though. I recommend the travel journal book, it’s funny and mostly true.

Medium: https://rblamb.medium.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RB-Lamb-108287304312486
Twitter: https://twitter.com/rblamb2
E-Mail: RBLambAuthor@Gmail.com
Books For Sale: https://tinyurl.com/2w3ff9tc

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