Io, Saturnalia!

Traditions last longer than the gods they honor.

A 2nd Century AD depiction of McSaturn, the Titan of Fast Food.

---

I am not a Christian.

I apologize for the shock, ladies and gentlemen and indeterminates. But it is true. I have never accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and/or Savior, despite calling him Christ¹ on occasion, and despite having been raised and confirmed in the Catholic Church. I’m on a list somewhere as a member. They haven’t excommunicated me yet like the Mormons gave my buddy's backside the ole’ Salt Lake Boot. Not yet.

“I reject Satan and all his works,” I lied as a twelve-year-old boy in front of the local Catholic diocese, quite unaware I didn't absolutely have to be going through that rite. I was horrifically terrified then, just as I am now, of any sort of public speaking. I’m a coward. Straight up lily. I’d hide behind a pair of cloven hooves if it offered me a way out of talking to a large group of people all at once. I just didn’t know it was an option.

No one ever told me I didn’t have to do it. They left that small detail regarding my immortal soul out of the literature for some reason. It was probably just an oversight. Or they thought the stakes were really high. Eternity does seem like a really long time, after all.

The Prophet Mohammed tells us there is no compulsion in religion.² But there does seem to be at least some small coercion in it. I doubt tons of Muslim kids are informed they don’t actually have to become Muslim, either. The problem is if you tell people something is voluntary, a chunk of them will voluntarily check into perdition. That’s not good when their eternal soul and/or future business prospects are on the line. Like letting your kid get a face tattoo and a Soundcloud account.

Still, I’m not Muslim, either. I am not any denomination of religious someone is likely to recognize. I encourage everyone to guess, because no topic is as interesting to me as me. But it isn’t one of the boxes you can check on a medical form like male, demi-sexual, or cisgender heteronormative sea cucumber are. I'm not even atheist. Nor am I agnostic about any of it. I believe something and I know what I believe.

Still, my beliefs do allow me to dance with any other religion's holy days if it jams with my own understanding of things. And by all the gods above and below, Christmas jams, my friends. Groovier than Hannukah and way cooler than Ramadan, too. Even if it wasn’t a blast, at least Christmas is over in a day now. Those others last way longer than that. I observed Ramadan once. Worst two days of my life.³

Forget all that stuff about the birth of Jesus on Christmas, though. I mean, do remember it, but it isn’t necessary in order to celebrate Christmas. Origins don't honestly matter much when it comes to feast days. You see, traditions are almost always older than the arguments used to convince people to honor them. Things change over time. The original impetus is likely gone, and a party needs no justification to begin with. It’s a party, for Christ’s sake. Nowadays, anyway.

You see, Christmas wasn’t always Christmas. Once upon a time it was called Saturnalia, and it was so awesome even dour-faced 4th century Christians reordering society in their own mega-godly image preserved the practice. Even by that time, the festival was already ancient. The holiday we use to honor Jesus’s birthday predates Jesus by several centuries. Possibly ten of them. We’re not sure, honestly. It’s pretty old.

Back in ancient Greece, when plowing little boys as part of the school curriculum was less frowned upon, it was believed humans enjoyed a golden age of plenty. Saturn, as father of the gods and an agricultural guru, presided over an unending utopia where humans feasted without toil. Until it ended. Everything was savagely dope until we screwed it all up by building stuff, inventing nightmares like the wheel, and started to vote on public policy rather than just letting wankers like Plato decide for us all.

The Saturnalia in Rome commemorated this fantasy over a few days at first. But over time, its length was officially extended to a week, beginning on the 17th and ending on the 25th of December. Some say an oracle⁴ told them to do this, but I happen to know it was because men were in charge back then and men always yearn to lengthen things. They also dream of engirthening things, but this proves challenging regarding a calendar. In any event, the festival was tons of fun and great for morale.

During Saturnalia, everything got turned upside down and a public banquet was held rather than a public famine as the customary standard policy of the late Roman republic. Everyone feasted, gave gifts, drank entirely too much, and social status was inverted for a time. This is a fancy way of saying slaves became masters and one assumes extremely patient masters became slaves. It was a good time for everyone.

Oh Gaius, behave.

Saturnalia was such a hit the festival survived deep into the Christian period after most fun pagan things were done away with as a matter of policy. There was simply no better way to get large numbers of people to give a fig about a Jewish carpenter's birthday. Saturnalia and its lead up to the Winter Solstice was already popular, and the ancient Christian reformers just picked it up and converted it into the absolute truth like they had the entire empire. By having men in dresses vote about it.

A splash of syncretism⁵ was all it took to convert Saturnalia like they converted the Roman empire. Jesus showed up fashionably late to Saturnalia at the very end and made it all about himself rather than Saturn. Kind of rude, honestly. Jesus crashes Saturnalia and he's God, I crash a bat mitzvah and I'm under arrest.

Now, it is entirely possible you were already aware Christmas replaced Saturnalia. But did you know Saturnalia replaced Uranalia?⁶ This festival honored Saturn’s father Uranus, though it was eventually replaced. Uranus is meant to be honored and revered, not be the butt of jokes. But the more vulgar segments of society have never shown Uranus the proper respect. On an unrelated note, did you know you can fit sixty-three Earths in Uranus? Sixty-four, if you’d just relax.

Anyway, tradition and practice are almost always older than the gods they honor. They are, at times, their own justification. The thought - the story or idea the tradition supposedly honors - honestly doesn't count here. The practice is what matters. In other words, LET'S EAT! LET’S DRINK! Practice is more important than thoughts, particularly when it means partying. Every god involved here prefers action.

Besides, no one ever seriously says you have to worship Jesus to celebrate the Saturnalia, just like no one ever seriously says you have to worship Saturn to celebrate Christmas. At least, I don’t think they've said those things. Those are strange things to say. Ironically, if origins mattered that much, no Christian would celebrate Christmas. It’s pagan stuff. But you don’t need to respect the roots to admire or climb or swing from the branches of an oak tree. Even if you are celebrating the tree’s birthday.

Instead of falling on your knees and hearing the angels’ voices - unless that’s your thing please feel free to do your thing - have a feast! Wear an eye-bendingly hideous sweater! Drink some eggnog spiked with whiskey! Ask your family if they would also like an Irish Yak Spunk! You’re buying! Keep a close eye on the creepy uncle! Give gifts! I recommend a subscription to The Rational Lambpoon! Just plug their e-mail right in below. It’s great for a reward or a punishment! It’ll really leave them wondering.

Don’t fast at a feast. There's enough misery out there already without contributing to it with various humbugs. The same goes for Thanksgiving.

Tis the season no matter the reason. Jesus may love you, but Saturn feeds you. Eat!

Sic vivitur.

---

1. Christ is not a last name. It is a title. It means, “I DROPPED THIS THING ON MY TOE!”

2. Surah Al-Baqarah 256, Quran

3. Ramadan is an entire month where devout Muslims fast and otherwise punish themselves to set themselves apart from infidels.

4. The Sibylline Oracles were a chunk of nonsense Roman politicians used over the centuries to convince people to do things.

5. The adaptation of one religion’s principle or practice into another.

6. No, it didn’t. I made it up.