The Historicist Judas

Underwhelming billions everyday.

Jan 27, 2026

The Taking of Christ, painted around 1603 by Caravaggio, a human. This dude painted a ton of great stuff. I love how he gave Judas a bald spot. He didn’t have to do that.

I've always felt Judas Iscariot got dealt a raw deal and I said as much to my high school scripture class.

“Unless this is just some bit or something again,” they demanded in eerie unison like children among the rows of corn. “Can you explain your need to defend one of the most reviled men in history?”

I thought they'd never beg the question. Just like I never turn down an opportunity to Son of Mansplain.1 Hopefully better now than I did then. As a warning, this is all doctrinal heresy for the most part, but I imagine that’s why we’re all here. It’s not like it is blasphemy.2

I think at the time I just said something inappropriately characteristic, like Judas had seen the light, or he drew his straw, or we all play the hand we're dealt. The pretty typical fatalism of a youth spent pondering precisely how to blame all my problems on others instead of spending any time with them.

Over time and hindsight, I've come to craft these thoughts with more maturity and honesty. I'm more known now for alliterative innovation rather than sardonic spartanisms. If you'll indulge me a moment, I can share them. Let's have a drink. Keep it light. Destiny is heavy enough. No need to meet it sober. Even if everything is necessary whenever destiny is involved. No base act unrewarded.

Necessity is something humans believe must happen for something else to happen. Something necessary, perhaps. X must occur before Y can. Easy. The part to pay attention to here is investing entirely in the idea of cause and effect in a story. Historicism. You could consider it determinism, but I’m told to save some room for free will. As if we have a choice. Nerds.3 Also bear in mind your standard moral compass is as useless here as it is in the Congress. Necessity is true north in history.

Historicism, something inherent in doing history, is a philosophy of hindsight, not prediction. Despite historicists saying and generally behaving in an opposite manner, they spend all their time looking at the past where all stakes have already been claimed. Like watching any movie still insisting on multiverse garbage.4 It's already over.

Not only that, but historicists often assume their subjects, usually dead and incapable of defending themselves, were operating with similar information as the historian inquiring into the event. This can't be true, however. It never is. No two people ever have the same information, nor does the same person years later. The historicist fabricates motive for a dead stranger. A famously hazardous undertaking to undertake.

I can still hear my teacher objecting to this line of argument slash name calling in a rather challenging tone. I’ll never forget it.

“Is that a bottle of vodka? Put that away right now!”

Where is Judas in this, you ask? I'm getting there.

A corollary of this is all decisions can seem necessary. Nothing could have happened a different way because it happened to happen that way. But of course, it could have gone a million other ways. Rather than recognizing fallacies make untrustworthy foundations, historicists invest in them rather heavily.5 Sometimes they invent entire fantasies to make it make sense. These historical fictions get passed along as the real deal or intertwined with it.

Follow this out and no one is really making choices in history. People are merely vessels for historic currents, there are no good men never mind great ones, and we’re all just here to act out some ancient, cosmic psychodrama struck when the first atom made a motion or wherever else one arbitrarily puts their own private genesis. People who enjoy Shakespearean romances often fall into this trap, believing we are just actors. Also, activists. And usually anyone believing the ends justify the means in politics. They do this to absolve themselves of personal responsibility for their actions.

All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts,

His acts being seven ages.

William Shakespeare, As You Like It

God's plan is an astonishing work of historicism. A grand stage erected for the dissemination of divine revelation. It includes the crucifixion, which could not have occurred without the betrayal. And since we're not only talking about historians piecing narratives together, but also throwing God in there, we double understand Judas did a necessary thing. If anyone chose, God chose for Judas, meaning he made the right one. It doesn't get any righter than God Did It. Drink!

“If you're finished you can go see the Dean of Students!”

Unless, of course, God had backup plans in place should Judas choose poorly and stood by his messiah. They say the gods laugh when men plan but maybe the gods laugh when the gods plan, too. I view miracles as quick fix engineering patches, for instance. Even God forgets to carry the one, now and then. Did he screw up? Probably. Gotta deploy the fix. If he’s the only god out there, no one is peer reviewing a gods damned thing. Fixes should be expected.6

Now, I know what you're thinking. Probably the same thing my scripture teacher was.

“Do not pour that glass! Also,” Father O’Malley thought. “What about agency?”

Agency is a middle-ground, wishy-washy way for determinists to still get published by libertarians and doesn’t seem related to the conversation, so I’ll summarize.7 Maybe we can find a way out of this confounding wilderness together with symbols and signs arranged in a denser way.

Viewing past events as a function of X then Y - aided by a shot of vodka - we realize we're reading time backwards. While X starts the temporal sequence, it isn't our focus. Y is what we want. Y is home. The reason we are reasoning. X is just what we think had to happen to enable Y. Our reasoning on the subject arises from Y, so X is rationally enslaved accordingly.8 Such is reason. Of course, there's also the understanding the LORD OF THE UNIVERSE made it happen. Who do you think betrayed who again? Judas didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Jesus landed on him. Drink!

“Did you just do another shot? Go see the Dean of Students,” my teacher retorted, red-faced and all mad. “This time of day, he'll know why. We can only pray you'll find why some day.”

I was skeptical but the Dean did know why. He looked at the clock, then me, and said, “Scripture?”

Maybe my scripture teacher was a bit of a prophet himself. Just like that old fortune teller who killed my iguana. They both seemed to know things, but only after the fact. Curious. I wonder how they do this. Because the way I saw it, one lives life in a way very different than one writes stories. Backwards. Though the storyteller often has trouble seeing which is which.

All I know for sure is they kicked me out of high school for some light heresy. You would’ve thought it was the drinking. But after taking some time to ponder on the why of it, any story about getting kicked out of Catholic school is necessarily a bit heretical. Or a lot. Your choice. But it also isn't. But it is?

Sic vivitur.

Son of Mansplaining is anyone explaining anything related to Jesus of Nazareth to anyone at all but is somehow worse when explained to a woman. Synonym for evangelizing.

Heresy is the over-amplification of an accepted portion of a doctrine. Heresy is not a personality. It is geeky.

For any ancient philosophers, consider it Aristotelian Essentialism. If you must. A thing’s essence is determined by its outcome or fate. It's also bollocks. We spend most of our time not experiencing our final fate. This particular delusion of the ancient world continues to animate modern politics.

Quit writing things in the multiverse and such. Just stop. You’re actually ruining Christianity somehow now.

There are a variety of fallacies related to historicism and historiography. For now, I’ll just refer to them all as a historicism in a bundle to save money. There will be more later.

THE END IS NIGH is always a timely reminder if there is only one god coding everything. Obviously no quality assurance going on outside unit testing. Refer to the Book of Job.

Agency is the Hegelian synthesis of two opposing yet coherent ideas into an incoherent single idea. Just like everything else that twat did.

The true value of historicism is in the interpretation. This is how you know history nor economics are sciences.