Washington, my home. It is ruled by crazy people, populated by their enablers, and is historically quite concerned with apple maggot quarantines.
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I’ve lived and operated in the Seattle area of Washington State for about twenty years now. We’ve had a rough relationship. She punches me in the face and kicks me in the dick and I pay a premium for the privilege. It wasn't always like this. I think she used to love me, once upon a time.
But it definitely isn't me. It’s Seattle. Between riots and anarchist uprisings branded as Summers of Love, the generally depressed atmosphere, and the completely hopeless politicians, it is time to bid a fond adieu to the city which pissed off Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley so much. I don't care about Sound Garden. Those guys blow and if I hear Blackhole Sun even just one more time I’ll move to your town in protest.
That’s one of the things people don’t understand about Seattle. They think if a place gave birth to such musical greats, it must be a great place itself. But the opposite is always true. Pull up any given Nirvana song and you tell me if it is praising Seattle or exploring the many ways it made Cobain consider swallowing shotgun shot.
Crime has gotten out of control. Blue collar crime is so high, white-collar criminals are beginning to get nervous about it. Our own local King of Thieves, Mayor Harrell, sculpted buttocks aquiver, has stated he intends to enforce laws to rectify the thing. So, you know the real criminals are feeling a bit miffed at the competition.
Seattle has been going through a rash of catalytic converter thefts lately…
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